Hi there! My name is Zayne, and I’ve been in church for as long as I can remember. For the longest time, being “Christian” was just a Sunday routine to me – I never had any dramatic fallout or radical story to tell. As such, I was convinced my faith didn’t count until I had proven myself. Today, I want to share how God convinced me of His unending love toward my unworthy self, and how my life has steadily been changed by His grace.
Since young, I was taught to read the Bible, pray to God, and participate in church-related activities. I was often told these were the “right things” to do, and I simply went along with them. Looking back, I rarely questioned why I was spending so much of my weekends in church instead of playing games or watching TV. Maybe it was the constant exposure to Christian influence, or that I associated church more with memorizing Bible verses and having fun with my friends after Sunday school. In any case, I was content with simply knowing about the various characters in the Bible stories in my head, without truly processing what the Jesus I was reading about meant to me personally.
This blind faith started to dissolve in my teenage years. As a naturally analytical person, I became very inclined towards examining the Bible for myself, not wanting to simply accept what my leaders were saying. However, as I grew in my understanding, I also became overly focused on scrutinizing every teaching, researching every keyword I encountered, and discussing differing interpretations. And while this appeared outwardly as zealousness, this pursuit of knowledge was not always driven by a genuine desire to grow closer to God. I often found myself wanting to be right more than I wanted to learn, taking quiet pride in being “serious” about studying Scripture, and sometimes felt subtly superior to others who did not approach the Bible the same way.
Soon, however, I began to realize that my supposed knowledge of God did not make me feel any closer to Him. God revealed this discrepancy in many areas of my life. I often avoided discussing religious beliefs or sharing my convictions with my friends, for fear of ridicule or rejection. In church, I shied away from taking up roles that didn’t suit my preference; and in ministries I did end up exploring, I felt easily discouraged whenever I did not see visible fruit from my efforts. I was also prone to comparing myself with others and quietly questioning whether I was truly capable of serving God well. All the while, my own behaviour demonstrated selfishness, pride, lust and envy as sins that I constantly struggled with. Ashamed and often feeling inadequate, it gradually became clear that I was trying to fight an uphill battle proving my worth before God through my own efforts.
Thankfully, where I fall short, God does not. Through His word, I have been reminded time and time again that I am a sinner saved by His grace. That despite my distancing from His love, Christ willingly took the punishment for my sins so that my relationship with God can be restored (Romans 3:11-12, 21-26; Romans 5:1-11). And every time I wonder: How could I ever justify myself worthy of His attention, let alone be called a child of God (1 John 3:1-3) or have Him “stand at the door and knock” and “come in and eat” with me (Revelation 3:20)? Yet, God slowly began to show me that He had always been fighting for a real relationship with me. He patiently drew me to see that faith was never meant to be merely an intellectual pursuit, but a relationship in which I learn to abide in Him as His child. I have come to recognize His assuring voice comforting me through some of my lowest periods in life; how He placed people in my life to encourage me and inspire me to continue living for Him; and how He continues to show up for me in the everyday – through prayer, through song, and through countless small reminders of His love. It is because of this relentless grace that I reaffirm my decision to accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour: to surrender my life to Him, to trust His guidance, and to live in a relationship where His love, forgiveness, and presence are the foundation of who I am.
As of now, I am more conscious of living in view of Christ’s love. Where I once shied away from sharing my convictions or doubted my ability to serve God well, I now step forward in humility, knowing full well that I am not sufficient on my own, but that His grace enables me to contribute meaningfully to His work. I have also come to love prayer and spending time with God, not just as another Christian routine, but in light of God’s desire for me to get to know Him more deeply. And as I grow older and see more of life’s struggles, many complex and without easy solutions, I now face them with trust in God’s sovereignty. In this, I am learning to abide in Him, confident that He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:6).
Baptism, to me, is a public declaration that the faith I grew up learning about is now truly my own. It symbolizes my desire to put off my old ways of striving for worthiness through my own efforts and to fully embrace the new life I have in Christ. It is an act of obedience, not because I am “finally worthy” to earn the Christian title, but to testify of God’s goodness in my life and His continued promise to see me through it all.
To end, I would like to thank my family, friends, leaders and church members who have been there since day one in teaching me and inspiring my faith journey. Your words and actions have been instrumental in modelling Christlikeness for me, and I hope you can continue to keep me in prayer to run the race and finish well. Thank you!
